Ulysses Parody Script
by Aidan Zephyr
Summary: This is a script my friends and I wrote in 8th grade. It's in script format, and written in parody and 8th grade style, so take it lightly. It makes me laugh, though. Now beta'd!


Ulysses' Script

Ulysses' Script

Wedding of Peleus and Thetis

Actors

Kelli Kelsey Megan Kristin Laura Christina Angela Erin

Cameraperson

Monika

OPENING

Narrator: (Pre-recorded) For all of those in the eighth grade who really didn't read the book and copied off their neighbors to get answers, we have hired a narrator so that you are not confused by the scenes that are about to take place. Thank you and enjoy the play!

Peleus and Thetis are getting married with an alter behind them and a Jewish priest wearing a yamaca and the 2 curly-q's for hair.

Priest: Do you, Peleus, take this nymph Thetis, to be your wife, when you are fully aware of Poseidon's wrath and that he can burn, slaughter, maim, crush, drown, poison, and lock you in a room with Zeus for an entire week?

Peleus: (Bottom lip quivering, shifty eyes) Well, now that you mention it…

A bucket of water is dumped on Peleus by Thetis. (You don't see her do it.)

Peleus: (Whining) I guess… I mean, yes- I do.

Priest: And do you, Thetis, do you take this flimsy poor excuse for a warrior, who looks bad in a skirt, who is a sissy, a wimp, and all other fine adjectives used to describe cowards, to be your husband?

Thetis: (Thinking- previously recorded) I will huuuuuuurt him… (Out loud) I do!

Priest: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wimp and nymph. You may now all go eat, drink, and be merry.

Little Popsicle stick of Johnny Depp: I love weddings! Drinks all around!

FEAST

Everyone is eating and drinking and conversing. Peleus is sitting with his new bride and chatting. Somebody walks by and hits him, and calls him a wimp. A second person comes by and pokes him. Then a small crowd of people comes by. Peleus greets them. They all tackle him to the ground and – obviously – beat him up. They leave, and he sits up, confused.

Peleus: Why is everyone being so mean to me?

Suddenly, a golden apple falls from the sky and hits Peleus in the head. Peleus cries out in pain and then reads it aloud.

Peleus: T-t-t-t-t-t-to… theee thaaaa thiiiiist… Honey, what does this say?

Thetis: "To the Fairest", dear.

Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera all look up at once.

Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera: MINE!

Narrator: Everyone knows that Goddesses are extremely vain, especially Hera Queen of the Gods, Aphrodite Goddess of Love, and Athena Goddess of the Ghetto Wisdom.

Thetis: Peleus – run!

The newlyweds begin to run in the opposite direction, screaming.

They all, in slow motion, run towards the apple. Aphrodite shoves Athena, and Athena stops and snaps her fingers.

Athena: Oh, no you DI'INT!!

She grabs hold of Aphrodite and the two have a catfight. Hera grabs the apple up from the ground. Athena and Aphrodite see her and at once shriek and tackle her. The three of them roll on the ground, fighting over the apple, as the gods and goddesses look on. The gods and goddesses shake their heads, tsk-ing.

Hermes: Wow, this is JUST like what happened to R2D2 and C3PO when they –

All: SHUT UP!

Zeus: Nuh-uh! You can't by my wife or my chil'in!

All: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

Hera; (stands up) No! We are going to settle this in a civilized manner… American Idol style!

AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE PANEL

Hera is Simon, Aphrodite is Paula, and Athena is Randy.

Hera: We have been searching for the most handsome man to judge who is the fairest of us. We have narrowed it down to three finalists. And our finalists are –

Orlando's picture pops up.

Hear: Orlando Bloom. Newly famous actor, who found fame by wearing a blonde wig and prancing around in "The Lord of the Rings", and who is soon to be in "Troy". And our second finalist is…

Benjamin Mackenzie's picture pops up.

Athena: Benjamin McKenzie! Also known as… the really cute guy from "the O.C." And our third finalist is…

Paris's picture pops up.

Aphrodite: Paris! A little shepherd boy from Troy.

Hera: So now, we will have our first contestant, Orlando, come onstage and sing for us!

The audience applauds. There is a pause. Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite all are twiddling their thumbs, waiting, and they all "doo" to the tune of "Jeopardy".

BLACKOUT

Paris wakes up from inside of the little house in Kristin's backyard and slides down the slide and onto the ground, stretching. He picks up his shepherd's staff and walks over to Pangur Ban, who is dressed up like a sheep.

Paris: Okay, now, lets try this again… Baaaaaaa…

Pangur Ban stares at the camera

Paris: Baaaaa! Baaaaa! BAAAAAA! BAAAAAAA!

Pangur Ban does nothing.

Paris: It's okay. We'll get it someday…

Somebody yells from off-stage.

Person: PARIS! We need you for Olympian Idol!

Quick cutback to Olympian Idol. Paris is standing on top of an egg crate.

Paris: I am so honored to be here.

Athena: You can start singin' now, dog.

Paris: (Singing) SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS! OOOOH, BABY, SHE MOVES! SHE MOVES!! (Does the William Hung dance)

Hera: (In British accent) Stop, stop, stop! That was absolutely dreadful!

Athena: You gotta be trippin' me, dog!

Aphrodite: You can find talent like that at any high school in Greece.

Paris: I have had no professional training.

Hera: That's obvious…

Paris sniffs.

Aphrodite: Well, since nobody else showed up, I guess that you win…

Hera: You can have power and immortality if you choose me to be the Fairest.

Paris: (Dreamily) It would be nice to be immortal for a little while…

Athena: I will give you the wisdom of the ghetto, MY HOMMIE G!!

Paris: I always wanted a Cadillac.

Aphrodite: You can have any woman you want. ANY WOMAN.

Paris: Ooooh! Britney Spears! (Sings) YOUR TOXIC, I'M SLIPPIN' UNDAAAA-

Hera: STOP!

Aphrodite: How about Helen of Sparta? She looks just like me…

Paris has a suitcase. He is standing in front of Pangur Ban.

Paris: Good-bye, my little sheep. You never did say BAAA, but I have faith in you. Farewell!

Narrator: Thereupon he sailed to Sparta on a diplomatic mission to King Menelaus, Helen's husband.

Paris: Can I have your wife?

Menelaus laughs uproariously and Helen is just spacing out.

Paris: Heleeeeeen, there's a reeeeally pretty dress in my booooooat. And guess what? It has… SEQUINS.

Helen: (Gasps) SEQUINS?! No way!

Narrator: Now Paris and Helen by dawn were aboard his ship, and it was sailing for Troy.

BLACKOUT

Ulysses and Achilles are telling a disinterested woman about a battle they were in together.

Ulysses: It was so cool! Achilles took the herring and threw it at the Evil King!

Achilles: It was so cool! We took it down!

Ulysses: Yeah, it was awesome!

The two bump chests.

The woman is shaking her head, rolling her eyes, mumbling about how they are morons as a herald runs in.

Herald: Helen has been taken!

Narrator: Now Helen had been courted by all the kings and princes of the Greek Islands.

Two of these being Ulysses and Achilles…

Close-up of Ulysses and Achilles looking in mirrors and wiping at their teeth.

Ulysses: Okay! Lets go save the damsel!

Achilles: YEAH!

The two throw their mirrors off-stage.

Person off-stage: OWWW!

Ulysses and Achilles: Sorry!

Narrator: All of Helen's admirers swore a mighty oath to refrain from murdering the successful suitor and would join to defend Helen and her husband, whoever he might be, against any attack.

Achilles and Ulysses approach a soldier.

Achilles: So, little man, what happened to Helen?

Soldier: She was bribed.

Ulysses: With what?

Soldier: (Dramatically) Sequins.

Ulysses screams.

Achilles: That no-good, dirty rotten, sequin briber-

Ulysses and Achilles: IS GOING DOWN!

Everyone waves his or her cardboard swords and shout in unison. Achilles and Ulysses bump chests again.

Ulysses: Wait! Wait! Achilles! I forgot to show you this new sticker I got! (Points to a bunny sticker on his sword and coos) Ain't he cute?

Achilles: Hey! I thought you said the next you found you'd give to me!

Ulysses: Well, I lied.

Narrator: Thus it was when Paris made off with Helen a thousand kings were summoned to keep their oath.

All four of the soldiers and kings stand around.

Ulysses: There are only four of us here…

Achilles: That's okay. There's only one of him.

Ulysses: (ponders this) Good point.

Narrator: They assembled a huge fleet and sailed for Troy. The Greeks camped outside the walls of Troy, and for 10 years tried to fight their way into the city. But the walls were strong and the Trojans brave.

Trojan soldier peeks his head out over a wall

Trojan soldier: GRRRRRRR!

Spartan soldier peeks his head out over a second wall.

Spartan soldier: GRRRRRRR!

Narrator: The Trojans refused to be defeated, that is. Until they where tricked into defeating themselves. The author of the fatal attack that defeated the Trojans was Ulysses, sharpest tactician among the invaders.

Ulysses and Achilles are lying on the ground staring at the clouds

Ulysses: Hey Achilles?

Achilles: Yeah?

Ulysses: (Points to a cloud) That is so totally a Horse

Achilles: NO, no! A bunny! It's a Bunny!

Ulysses: No! A horse!

Achilles: A bunny!

Ulysses: Horse!

Achilles: Bunny!

Ulysses: (Excited) Hey, you know what would be cool?

Achilles: What?

Ulysses: If we made a BIG horse out of wood and sat in it, ALL day!

Achilles: YEAH! LETS DO IT!

Narrator: The Greeks decided to watch from afar as Ulysses and Achilles entertained themselves.

Ulysses: (Standing outside the horse) Hey Achilles, we should offer something to a god.

Achilles: Yeah.

Ulysses: Ok what should we offer, Bologna or Salami?

Achilles: Bologna is icky.

Ulysses: (Raises the bologna to the sky) Oh great Daghda, I offer thee his divine meat that I don't like at all named BO-LOG-NA.

Achilles: Daghda is a Celtic god Ulysses.

Ulysses: Oh… OH GREAT TSUKIYOMI!

Achilles: Asian…

Ulysses: OH GREAT MERCURY!

Achilles: Roman…

Ulysses: What's Roman?

Achilles: I don't know.

Ulysses: Fine then… OH GREAT POSEIDON!

Achilles: HEY! HEY! THAT'S ONE OF OUR GODS!

Ulysses: I KNOW! ISN'T IT AWESOME?

Narrator: After offering the meat to Poseidon, Ulysses and Achilles sat inside their wooden horse… But meanwhile on the other side of the wall two Trojan soldiers were just noticing the horse.

Two Trojans sing the "Who's Line is it Anyway" Irish drinking song.

Trojan 1: Oi! Lets check up on the enemy!

Trojan 2: Aye!

Trojan 2: Oi! Mate, do you see the eight-legged horse?

Trojan 1: Ha! Doesn't it know that horses should only have four legs?!

Trojan 2: 'Ey! Look at me, I'm a little horsey with eight legs!

Trojan 2 puts up 7 fingers. They start to laugh and point but there is a large thunder sound. They quickly become scared.

Trojan 1: Mate! It's the Gods!

Trojan 2: I angered the Gods when I was a wee lad and I ain't doing it again! Let's bring it into the city.

Narrator: Meanwhile, back in the horse…

Achilles: GUESS WHAT? AFTER ONLY 3 MONTHS I'VE GONE FROM A SIZE 6 TO A SIZE 3 IN SKIRT SIZES!

Ulysses: Wait… I'm a size six! ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?

Achilles: Compared to me… Yes, but compared to everyone else, nah!

Ulysses: Oh thank Poseidon! You can't beat 'em all!

Achilles: Ulysses is it just me, or is our giant wooden horse that should have been a bunny moving?

Ulysses ponders for a moment.

Ulysses: Yes Achilles, I do believe that we are. Hey! They're reeling us into Troy!

Achilles: Hey! Let's surprise them!

Ulysses: But I don't have any cake!

Achilles: We can use our swords instead! I bet that they will love our cute little bunny stickers!

Ulysses and Achilles jump out of the horse and yell in unison.

Ulysses and Achilles: Surprise!

Achilles: Hey, why don't we let our friends in too!

Ulysses: Yeah! Hey guys, come on in!

Ulysses and Achilles open the gate to Troy. The other soldiers come inside the city.

Narrator: So thanks to the wit and wisdom (Thanks Athena!) of Ulysses and Achilles, Troy was conquered and Helen saved, but with every war comes great sacrifice…

Achilles: This is so much fun! WHEEEEEE!

Achilles is jumping up and down but accidentally jumps on to an arrow sticking tip-up in the ground.

Achilles: Ah, nuts!

Achilles falls over dead.

Ajax: Oooh look at that pretty armor! Oh it would go so great with my leather shoes! IT'S MINE!!

Ulysses: Oh Achilles, the world was cruel to you! Since I was your best friend, I know that you would want me to have your pretty armor!

Ajax: NO! It's mine!

Ulysses grabs the armor and runs.

Ulysses: IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WOODEN BUNNY!

Grim Reaper/Narrator walks onstage with a red sheet behind him.

Achilles looks up and raises an eyebrow when he looks at the Grim Reaper's staff.

Achilles: Duct tape?

Grim Reaper/Narrator: Hey! It broke, and this is a low budget film.

Achilles: Oh.

Achilles goes back to his dead state.

Grim Reaper/Narrator: Sadly for Ulysses, victory never comes cheep. Poseidon's anger was kindled.

Poseidon: (Whiny) Ulysses is reeeeally meeean! He offered me Bo-log-na.

Grim Reaper/Narrator: And for 10 long years the great voyager had to battle his way through the worst perils that the imagination of an offended god could conjure.

Poseidon: (Whiny) Let's throw this monster at him and this monster and my dear Scylla, too!

Narrator: Well. I think it's easy to see why the Greeks were so messed up… They didn't have Coca-Cola.

Everyone sings, "I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke" and hold hands, swaying. At the end, Athena comes close to the camera, holding a coke can.

Athena: Drink Coke. (She winks)

THE END


End file.
